"Straight spine, open heart."

"yes. yes i do. have the right to be this lush and neverending."

~Nayyirah Waheed

I am a wordy person and at the same time I experience the soul beyond words. How does one describe their multidimensionality without it becoming a lengthy Russian novel?

I know about those lengthy Russian novels from my own lived experience. Born in the Soviet Union from two Russian parents I've had a moving soul journey ever since. Literally moving as I was moved around a lot as a child and eventually moving to the Netherlands with my mom when I was twelve years old. My moving continued there and after living in different cities for 29 years, and some time in Egypt and the Philippines, Madeira called me home and that’s a story of its own (you can read it here). 

I was not only literally moving around, but everything in my life felt overwhelming for most part of the time. Now I see it as many years of soul teachings I chose to experience, but back then it mostly felt like living without any roots under my feet, feeling like I'm an aimless leaf that is floating in the air. Looking back I see that my life was moving in cycles and there were times that on the outside everything seemed ‘right’ and sometimes I was even able to convince myself that I was ‘doing life as I should’. Those moments of illusionary certainty were fleeting and would come crashing down every single time, because they were meant to be temporary teachers instead of a solid foundation to stand upon. Now I can say that I needed all those experiences to come home within myself and to now be able to live from my soul. Everything unfolded exactly as my soul chose before coming here. It wasn't easy, and that's an understatement, but it was my path and I was supposed to walk it exactly as I did. 

I have lived several “professional” lives within this lifetime while I was trying to fit myself into the system I was never meant to function in, let alone thrive. Those were roles that I tried to play sincerely, every time giving with my whole heart, yet not able to see how by doing that I devalued my true self and hid in places that were never meant for my blooming.

One of them was being a teacher and developing individualised programs for “special” kids.

Another one was being a project manager for social improvement programs within a governmental organisation. Carrying the responsibility for budgets of millions of euros, but most importantly for the humans in my team. 

Both now seem to be a story from a distant past. They were not mistakes on my path, rather boot camps to learn the lessons I came here to master. When I look back now, I see clearly that despite my work title, I was always focused on the people around me. It was never about doing the job, but rather connecting deeply with the people of all walks of life that I encountered. Now I also realise that my whole life the divine has been flowing through me to reach the people that were meant to receive the forthcoming transmissions. Back in time I had no idea that this was actually happening in my interactions with others.

So let's go a bit deeper now. 

How would I describe my human self so that you can feel my presence through the words and be able to distinguish whether you resonate with my soul frequency and feel pulled to work with me?

Paula Prober calls it a rainforest mind. Kazimierz Dabrowski speaks about overexcitabilities. I recognise myself in both descriptions of an individual who is “highly sensitive, smart, complex, creative, intense, curious, lonely, and misunderstood” AND highly autonomous, sovereign, deeply emphatic, multidimensional, and so so much more. I have always deeply resonated with the fairy tale of the ugly duckling.

My healing journey is full of tears, thawing, softening, feelings of forgiveness, awe, burning anger and returning to love again and again. It is anything but linear. It is slowly becoming aware of the safety I hold within my body to be able to experience whatever is surfacing at any moment. This is a journey of walking myself home. Slowly, softly, steady, sincerely. Home towards the embodiment of the divine feminine way of being.

This is a long path of embracing my humanness and my divinity that are inseparable. Choosing compassion and tenderness towards myself whenever the human me is struggling. Learning what embodying the love for self actually means. A true love affair.

I deeply honour the complete human experience. Without negative judgement and evaluation. I truly believe that everything we live through in our human journeys here on Earth is exactly what our souls chose to experience to expand in their wisdom, no matter how much suffering it involves and definitely not denying the excruciating pain of that suffering. This is not always an easy and comfortable place to be in. By far. But I am in awe of the sacredness of it all. In the moments of deep suffering that still present themselves, I remind myself that I was made to walk this path; my soul chose this. It is all meant to be.

Beyond this human layer there is yet another dimension that extends my current life. I call it soul. It is ever wise, eternal, infinite and all-encompassing. It carries the memories and wisdom of all my previous lives and it directs my path in this lifetime, even when the human me feels lost. It carries the memories of Lemurian time and the unconditional love that I have experienced there. I remember that love as my home. That is why I have always longed for a return to that blissful state of being and that is exactly why I'm here. Not to deny the polarity of this Earthly experience which also includes the harsh, dense realities. But to remind humans of the love and magic and wonder that are also ever present in our everyday life if we choose to see with our hearts. I am here to remind others of their own magic within. I am here to let you remember who you are on a soul level. And I am here to walk beside you if you need me when you choose to walk the path of your soul. I am here to look at you with the eyes of love and eternal knowing so that you start to remember this truth within yourself. You are held. You are safe. Always. And while we're here, for this fleeting moment in time, we might as well dance, and laugh, and kiss and live. So take my hand and let's leap into the ever unfolding path in front of us. 

“i have always been the woman of my dreams.”

~Nayyirah Waheed