The short answer is: I belong here, this is my home. My soul's roots are here and Madeira called me long before I was able to hear her. 

But when did we ever want a short answer?

So if you want a long read, I promise you a fairy tale. A true heroine's journey. Take my hand and follow me. 

We start in the Netherlands, Amsterdam to be exact. I turned 40 in April of 2024 and it has been the most painful and despairing year of my life. Not because of the age, but because I was standing on a threshold where my old life fell apart in just a couple of months and my new life was nowhere to be found. My old life was built on a false foundation of a persona who was surviving, not living. Unconsciously I had created an avatar that was existing in a life with a so-called “important job” and, as it turned out, lots of people around me who belonged within that particular script and had no connection to my soul. I felt dead inside and I was so accustomed to that state that I wasn't even aware that life could be anything else beyond this slow suffering. 

It doesn't surprise me that this life crumbled to the ground within a short period of time and what was left was deafening silence. People that I made myself believe would weather any storm with me, vanished overnight. Yet I didn't feel any loss. It felt like a liberation. Then something shifted within me. My days were filled with excruciating pain that comes with despair and hopelessness and at the same time I experienced such clearheadedness and understanding that this is all part of a bigger process and that something greater has awakened within the little human me and is now leading every step of the way. Now I know that this was my soul. 

I had no idea whatsoever where she was leading me. I didn't even feel any hope that we were actually going somewhere. But I knew that this is the path to take and that all that is asked of me in that moment, is to surrender to all of it.

I did feel deeply lost and hopeless. Not because the old life fell apart, but because I just couldn't see a way forward. According to my mind there was no way out. It was crystal clear to me that the old way of being has become unbearable and simply unavailable, but I had no idea what could be possible instead. So I entered the darkness and went down and down until I reached rock bottom. 

It happened on a hot, sunny summer day when I was able to get myself out of bed, put on some clothes and carry myself to a nearby bench. I sat under a big, beautiful free. It was a good day, despite the contraction and heaviness I felt in my chest. It was a good day, because I was able to read a bit. 

After a while the heaviness in my chest intensified and despair made her entrance as a well-known visitor (check out Rumi’s poem “The Guesthouse” Inspired writings). This moment in time felt like the endpoint. I searched my mind to find something hopeful, anything to attach to to get myself out of this excruciating state. But there was nothing. Silence. Death. Deep inner winter while the air around me was hot from the summer sun. I remember thinking that I was not able to continue living like this. This suffering became unbearable. And I could not find anything in that moment to feel a glimpse of hope for things getting better in time. Tears are flowing while I'm writing these words. It was such a grueling moment. I felt completely alone in this world. 

Looking back on that moment, I feel so much compassion and love for that little human me that despite feeling so beyond hope, got herself off the bench that afternoon, carried herself home and lived another day.

Later I realized that, in that moment, at rock bottom, I found the solid rock within myself. My backbone, the indestructible life force within that springs from crystalline integrity and is recognized as the voice of our soul.

So what does any of this have to do with Madeira, you might wonder. Let me continue. 

In that same year the Universe started to speak to me about Portugal. First very subtly, but since I didn't take her messages seriously, she got louder. At some point I grew tired of laughing it off, so I entered the dialogue. After another random Portugal hit on the street (I remember three girls passing me by and just when we crossed paths, I heard: “You should visit Portugal") I couldn't avoid the message any longer. So once I returned home, I got myself comfortable and started to converse with the Universe out loud. I remember saying something along these lines: “Ok, I hear ya. You clearly want me to visit Portugal for some mysterious reason. I will not ask you why. I trust you. But I do need clear directions. As you know I have never been to Portugal and if you leave it up to me I will get lost in searching for the place I should visit. How would I be able to make the right choice?! So you need to be very, very specific. Please, tell me exactly where I should go. And please, let me know in a way that I will be able to understand you without doubting my clarity. Thank you.”

I remember adding: “Please, give me a sign.”

I kid you not about what happened next. The moment I spoke these words, I let it go and went on with my evening. I wasn't expecting an answer any time soon. I'm laughing now as I'm typing this, because in retrospect I could say that the Universe waited long enough for me to actually listen and talk to her, so she was not letting me delay any longer! I had a soul destiny to get to! So I had to get going. 

I opened Instagram and started to view the stories. Just to get them out of my way, to be honest. And immediately I was stopped right in my tracks. I got to see this: a photo of a woman walking down a path, somewhere in the woods. The geotag in the upper left corner said “Madeira, Portugal”. This could be a sign, right? Yes, but since I've asked for a very clear sign, the Universe did not take any risks. In case this wouldn't be enough for me to understand, she let that woman write a sentence on her photo, exactly on the pathway she was following, just beneath her feet. The sentence said: “Let this be your sign.”.

After a momentary shock, I started laughing uncontrollably. And just to make sure I'm not going crazy, I made a screenshot of that picture, which I still have up until this day. The message was clear. Very clear. Within a couple of days I booked the tickets. 

And here's another entertaining bonus: at that time, I had no idea of the existence of Madeira. Let alone that it's an island and that it is an autonomous region of continental Portugal. 

So what happened next?

Don't get me wrong, this was a fun little moment, but I was still surviving in the daily hopelessness and the more the departure date approached, the more resistance I felt towards this whole idea. I didn't want to go and that is an understatement. I felt so exhausted from all that hopelessness and I was terrified to get out of my comfort zone. So before going, I made a pact with myself that I was allowed to do, or not do, anything I wished. I didn't have to be the happy, active tourist. I was allowed to be the exhausted human if that was the case. I allowed myself to surrender.

And once on Madeira, from that surrendered state of no expectations, slowly, I started to come alive. The nature nourished my heart, the Ocean cradled me into peace and the Moon was guiding me all along the way. Slowly, I started to feel again, to laugh again, to feel that life was worth living.

And then it happened. After being here for almost a month, one evening I was returning from sunset gazing at the beach. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I heard a very clear, peaceful message inside of me: “I belong here. This is my home.” It took me off guard, because I could immediately sense the truth of this revelation. However, at that moment my mind wasn't ready to embrace such a truth that carried big changes within it. Despite my mind’s fear, from that moment on, these whispers of my soul have become the most natural part of my life. I aligned with my soul's path and the channels opened up to receive guidance. 

The message kept coming back during the rest of my stay here. Always in a peaceful, loving way. And at some point I just accepted it for what it was without needing to act upon it. Yet. Little I knew how fast everything would change once I returned to Amsterdam. 

I thought I had a decent plan to continue to recover and in the meantime figure out what I was meant to do with my life. I had already decided that the only way to create something sustainable, I had to create my own company and offer my services the way my soul would guide me to do. However, I had no idea yet what that could be, but I trusted to figure it out as I go. I did think that I would be able to do all that while still living in Amsterdam. Despite the clear message I got on Madeira, I thought I would be able to return once everything in my life would be settled. I'm smiling while writing these words. Looking back it was so clear back then that my life in Amsterdam was over and that it was time to heed the call of my soul. 

It all happened in a blink of an eye. Back in Amsterdam everything felt completed there. I had a couple of weeks to release the resistance to the fact that my soul was calling me forward. I also felt a need for confirmation that it was actually my soul calling me forward and not my mind wanting to escape the life I returned to in Amsterdam. My cards helped me to clarify my intention. After that, everything started to move as a flowing river. I got a settlement at my last job, found a new tenant for the tiny studio I have been renting for nine years, found an apartment on Madeira, one could only dream of, and started to organize my belongings. A lot was given away freely, some was sold, the rest was put into boxes and moved to my moms house until further movement. Then I started to pack my bags. 

I returned to Madeira just on time to celebrate my 41st birthday here. On that April day, she gifted me yet another soul treasure during my hike. There were ferns everywhere, as they are an authentic part of Madeira. But suddenly I was able to truly see them. And make the connection with my strong desire to get a fern tattoo a couple of years earlier. I got one during a tattoo convention in Amsterdam. And now tears started to flow, because I realized that Madeira has been calling me long before I knew of her existence. That moment was a deep arriving, a true homecoming. 

My tattoo is now the logo of my company. Fern is a symbol of everlasting life. In winter the leaves die off so it appears to be dead, but the roots stay alive and wait patiently for another spring to come back stronger than ever before. It always unfurls into renewed life. And so did I. Eu volto, Madeira. 

The name “Eu volto, Madeira” can be translated from Portuguese as “I return, Madeira”. The word “return” has been stalking me everywhere until I got the message and the name was created.

There is a Celtic word for this kind of soul journey - “Imrama”. Rebecca Campbell describes it as “a voyage on which we don't know where we are going, but our soul knows the way.” The puzzle pieces keep coming together here on Madeira and I am in a state of re-membering the ancient wisdom and knowledge of my soul. This journey has felt like learning to walk again. But this time as who I truly am instead of an avatar that was built to survive in this world.

And now I am offering assistance on your soul journey. A return to your soul, to remembrance, to life.

Tears of gratitude have been flowing here abundantly. For my presence here, for how Madeira envelops me in her unconditional, motherly love and for the Ocean that always reminds me of his eternal love.

It is here that a deeper healing has been taking place. I started to feel safe in this world. Held. Connected. 

There were moments of circling back to the doubt and considering the old ways of being. But they had no hold of me anymore. The old way of surviving simply became unavailable. The new was bigger and stronger without being physically present yet. Every time after the descent to the hesitation, there was a higher ascent to the clarity and devotion to the divine feminine way.

I had to come to the depth of my being to know that I'm meant to do this. To know myself and surrender to what wants to be offered to the world through me.

I have felt so deeply abandoned and alone throughout my life. Looking for home where I would be held in tenderness and love. I now see that it has always been my soul's path to find the treasures in my lived experience, transmute the suffering into wisdom and with that to ever more fully integrate my soul and my physical human me. To become whole.

I am given this light. It is not my possession.

It is not even really my call. My soul chose this upon coming to Earth this time around and the agreement with the Goddess has been made.

It took me many years to embrace my perceptiveness as a gift. I have always had the ability to see into the depths of another human being. This brought me a great deal of suffering because I had to learn to value this ability and at the same time to learn to let everyone be as they wished. It is a learning path of discernment that deeply honours my heart.

Here I can share this gift with you, and it is always up to you what you do with it. Whatever you need, you will receive. 

I am meant to live a mystic's life.

That is not for everyone. Nor does it have to be.

If it was up to my human self, I would've never chosen this path.

But it is my soul path and to be able to live a fulfilled life as the truest soul version of myself, I had to surrender to it. Over and over again.

I feel so fully held here. Madeira has become my divine mother in whose arms I can rest as long as I need to feel her unconditional love flowing through me. 

My journey continues. Now from wholeness. I have arrived. I am home. 

I have become the butterfly.